I Thought Wrong

By Joel Abakah

Forgive me Mama. Forgive me for I have sinned against your love. Time in years have passed but still these memories keep haunting me. Back to the days when I was a fool for outside opinion so I chose some strangers and neglected you, my champion.

It lingers in my mind how young me was so blind to your love but you never ever did mind. Or maybe at night your emotions took a flight to your lachrymal traveling on the plane of sadness where the weather in your eyes was just unending tears of rain. But how would I know when I…

I remember this. When you wore the faded clothes torn at the sides and dressed me up like a Prince. You'd be taking me to school and I'd say, 'hey mom I will walk the rest of the way'. It felt shy to be seen with you and when I was asked, 'is that your mom?' I'd be a Judas and quickly deny you. Oh my!

I made opinions my silver and gold while I boldly betrayed your unfathomable love. But you were a Jesus carrying my poverty, crucifying your self comfort and luxury for my undeserving young ungrateful self. Oh mom! Young me had sinned against your love.

How did you survive the cold cursed floor of our house back then. You'd sacrifice the bed for my sake and sleep on the bare wretched floor. When the night felt cold you would cover me with a blanket and warm yourself with thoughts of tomorrow's survival heating up your mind. Aw Mama.

I could not see your love and it sense because all I wore was an ungrateful lens. I knew you tried your best but I'd go outside, neglect you and choose the rest.

I am sure if God told you to sacrifice me like Isaac your stubborn love for me would strangle your obedience for the creator. You loved me.

You were my pot of happiness but young me broke that pot. And now, I'm eagerly searching for broken pieces of that pot so that they will cut through my emotions and I will bleed smiles and laughter. But no, around me is a fortress of everything contrary.

Because now that I think back, my real happiness was you. Silly me missed out on the smiles and laughter we could have together embraced. Now you are gone and I am at your grave reciting this. Reciting this while wanting back your inside bliss.

I am now a man. A man walking on the road of the present but every direction keeps sending me to my past. A past I understand at last but young me couldn't grab it fast. I caused you pain I'm sure. But still you kept open your love door. Why?

I do not want to reminisce anymore. It's worsening my self inflicted emotional sore.

I am in tears.

I regret those years.

I was a young fool.

Forgive me Mama, before I drown in my tearing pool.

Because I... I thought wrong. 

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